Friday, October 26, 2012

How to Know When a Ukrainian Child Is Not a Good Adoption Match for Your Family

When adopting from Ukraine you are given time to get to know and
bond with your perspective Ukrainian adopted child in their own
environment. What are the factors other than medical that you
should look for to make sure you are making a good match?

This article is written from a foster care perspective, but her
points are important considerations for all parents when
evaluating a referral.

As she says"This will be one of the toughest situations you'll
have to face. It is hard to say no to a child in need." However,
"Remember that there is a difference between caring for a child
and that child's well-being and making that child a lifelong
member of your forever family."

Enjoy, Susan

How to Know When a Child Is Not a Good Adoption Match for Your

ByCarrie Craft, Guide

Part of thefoster care adoption processis meeting the child after
theadoption matchby theadoption agency. The agency social workers
look at the strengths and needs of both the child and of
prospective adoptive parents to decide who would fit together the
best. Theprospective adoptive family are also allowed to read the
child's filesbefore making their final decision.

The first meeting could be held at an agency office or in your
home asrespite if you're a licensed foster parent.

You and your family may have a lot of different emotions and
concerns, especially if after the visit you're left with some
doubts about the adoption match. So how do you know if the child
is not a good fit?

· You find yourself and your family not enjoying time with
the child.

· Characteristics of the child or the child's personality
does not mesh well with your family.

· Overall, you find the child to be annoying or unpleasant
to be around.

· The child's overall morals or values are different from
your family's. This is beyond thechild needing to be taught
morals and values, but what the child finds important is vastly

· Everyone in the family, including the child, feels like
they have to mold or change themselves in order to better fit or
get along.

· You feel that you are not able to meet the child's
needs, especiallybehavioral or emotional needs.

· Your other children do not feel good about the adoption
match. They seem to not be willing to interact much with the

· You feel burdened with the decision and can't decide
what to do. You may feel full of doubts and fears. Remember that
there is a difference between caring for a child and that child's
well-being and making that child a lifelong member of your
forever family.

If you feel that the child is not a good adoption match, then
notify your adoption social worker right away. They need to know
so they cancontinuelooking for a family.

Don't let anyone guilt you into adopting a child that you or your
family does not feel is a good fit. This would not be fair for
you or the child.

People in your life who may put pressure on you to adopt a child
may include:

· The child's birth family- especially if you have been
fostering the child. They may feel comfortable with you and want
to know where their child will be living.

· Your church family- Those who spend limited time with
the child in short term environments may see a different side of
the child and not fully understand the child's needs. Remember
confidentiality; don't feel tempted to share or justify your
reasons for saying no to the adoption match.

· Friends and extended family- Again, they spend limited
time with the child, especially if you're doing respite visits or
short-term pre-placement visits. This is your forever and the
child's, don't adopt trying to please others.

· The child- This will be especially tough if you have
been foster parenting the child for a while. The child may feel
very safe and comfortable in your home, while you doubt the
forever commitment to the child. If the child is visiting with
you and your family after a possible adoption match, the child
may feel so lost or scared that they want to hold on to any
chance to have a forever family. Again, this is not a good reason
to adopt.

· You- Be aware that there are a ton of emotions involved
withtermination of parental rightsand with the possibility of
adopting a child. It is very tempting to want to adopt and parent
a child out of emotion. Is that ultimately what is best for the
child? Do you think the child will be able to tell if you aren't
fully in love with them? Yes! I believe that every child deserves
to have parents who think that the sun rises and sets with them.
Remember, there are other parents waiting for a child who may be
a perfectadoption matchfor this child. They may also find the
things you find annoying, cute.

This will be one of the toughest situations you'll have to face.
It is hard to say no to a child in need. Hopefully you have a
supportive social worker or therapist who will share your
decision with the child. Do not tell the child without permission
from the workers on the case. It may be more appropriate coming
from a worker, a therapist, or the child's foster parent.

If you or someone you love would like to expand your family,
provide a permanent home for a needy orphaned child, welcome a
sibling for an existing child or discover an alternative for
infertility treatments - contact us to learn more about Ukrainian
adoption, Adoption Services International can help.

Adoption Services International unites loving US families with
Ukrainian children. We provide a unique combination of western
quality service (including a maximum guaranteed adoption fee),
personal adoption experience, affordable local cost and 20 years
Ukrainian experience.


Upcoming Events:

Ukrainian Adoption 101:

Conversation On International Adoption: Opportunity, Process,
Concerns and Questions

Monday, November 12, 2012 6:00-7:00PM

Location: Califon Book Store: 72 Main Street, Califon, New Jersey

Ukrainian Adoption Information Meeting

Wednesday, November 28, 2012 7:00-8:00PM

Location: Wellness Rocks: 133 Rupell Road, Clinton, New Jersey

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