14 Reasons You Shouldn't Adopt
Adoption is a wonderful thing, but there are lots of very good
reasons not to adopt, as there are reasons not to have biological
children. Diana's piece is fun and funny, but also very serious.
Posted byDiana Stoneon September 6th, 2012
Adoption is a wonderful thing - when it's done in the right
context. There are many reasons to adopt, but there are just as
many pretty terrible reasons.
From pressure to fitting in, many people can convince themselves
that a child will fix whatever seems to be wrong. When in
reality, you'll need to fix it as best you can before you bring a
child, with its own needs, into your family.
Feeling some of these emotions briefly or part of the time is
completely normal. Everyone is different; no one will have a
perfect marriage or get it all together before the adoption is
finalized. But if you're finding any of the reasons below as
yoursole purposein considering adoption, you need to rethink our
decision. Slow down, talk it over with your spouse, find a
counselor or social worker, and really ponder why it is you want
to adopt. You owe that to yourself and the son or daughter who
may be waiting for you.
A child should never be a therapist, a savior, or a catch all for
your emotional needs.
The Perfect Child
If your goal is to bring home a beautiful, perfect baby to love -
move on. Every child comes with their own needs and issues.
Whether it's immediate or later. There is no such thing as a
perfect child, and basing an adoption on looks is a terrible way
to go about building a family.
Your Biological Clock is Ticking
Whether you are 27 or 49, adoption is not a process to be rushed.
It deserves your complete consideration and time. Slow down and
take a while to make sure this is a decision that is the best for
you both and a child you may bring home
The Martyr Syndrome
If thoughts like, "My friends will think I'm such an incredible
person," cross your mind when you think about adopting, then
you're not ready. When the baby is up all night screaming with
colic or giving you the bird at 16 as she walks out the door with
her boyfriend, your friends' jealousy in your selfless act will
be the furthest thing from your mind.
Saving That Poor Child
Children don't need to be saved. They also don't need to be
brought into a family that thinks that's what happened. Often
this turns into a, "You owe me, look what we did for you," kind
of situation where no one wins. Become a doctor if you want to
This is a hard one - because of course we all want our children
to love us. But adopting with specifically because you want a
child to love you back isn't realistic. Most adopted children go
through RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) at some point. The
love between two complete strangers takes time, and there are no
guarantees it will ever be unconditional on their end. It should
be on yours.
All Those Tax Breaks!
Just -no. Really, if this is one of your reasons, then don't
adopt. You'll spend far, far more over their lifetime raising
them than any tax break will give you back.
Get a pet. A child isn't meant to fill a hold in your heart. They
The Pressure is On
Do you feel your spouse looming over you about it? Have you been
married a while and everyone keeps asking, "When are you two
going to pop out a baby?" Adoption is a very different process
from a pregnancy, so don't cave to the pressure. Make an informed
choice about what's right for your family.
She Needs a Playmate
The only child comments can irk anyone. "She'd be so much more
social if she had a sibling!" "Little Jeffery just excels because
we gave him a baby brother!" "She'd be such a good little mama to
a baby!" All great reasons to give your child a hamster until you
and your spouse are ready to add another child - because you want
another child. Not a playmate.
Your Husband Will Come Around
Just like an unexpected pregnancy, there is a huge risk in
jumping into adding a child to your family, when only one of you
is ready for it. There is only so far you can get with adoption
when the other party isn't a willing participant, but plunking
down costs for application fees and paperwork will only lead to
resentment on both ends. And more than likely, you just caused a
bigger rift by even talking about adoption now.
All Your Friends Are Doing It
A baby is not a Coach purse. Just because your best friend
adopted a child and so did the parents in your playgroup does not
mean it's the right choice for your family. Adoption comes with
it's own set of worries and stresses, not to mention that you're
making a lifelong commitment to another human being.
A Child Will Save Your Marriage
Nope. Adoption can be incredibly stressful. It has it's own ups
and downs and can fall through. You'll need to have a pretty
strong marriage already before you take the plunge into the very
emotional world that is sure to cause more stress with the joy.
Pretending They Are Biologically Yours
There are so many reasons I can list to urge parents to tell
their children the truth about their adoption. But honestly - if
you want to adopt a child that looks like you and is young enough
not to know about it, reconsider. Every child deserves to know
their past, their medical history, and that families can be made
in all kinds of ways and still be a family.
You'll Be Like a Celebrity
Katherine, Angelina, Sandra - all the cool kids are doing it! But
you don't see what goes on behind the scenes as these families
help their children adjust to their lifestyle and families.
Raising a child from a different culture or just a different
background is difficult and time consuming. Wanting to add a
child to your family because you want to "look good" is a very
If you or someone you love would like to explore your interest
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