This is an interesting article. Part Ukrainian adoption story
with ups and downs. Unfortunately they encountered the
reoccurring and sadly common problems with agencies and expenses
running over expectations.
The author is from Kazakhstan and shares insights as to the
Eastern European perspective on adoption and families.
Enjoy.
By Mila Dvoretskaya-Lemme
Like any proud parent, Jeff Elston happily shows off pictures of
his three children. Many people know that he and his wife, Toni,
went to Ukraine to adopt two of them. But when they try to guess
which is the couple's natural child, they're usually wrong, he
says. Riker, who looks exactly like Jeff, is adopted.
The Springfield couple wanted their biological son, Roman, to
have a sibling. When several pregnancies ended in miscarriages,
Toni's doctor advised the couple to stop trying. They decided to
adopt - but outside the United States. Friends of theirs had
adopted a Ukrainian girl, and that experience was positive,
Elston says. "And also I thought it would be easier than an
American adoption - no visits of birth parents and all of that,"
he recalls.
The Elstons' first trip, however, in June 2003, was unsuccessful.
The couple didn't warm to the children they were shown. They
returned four months later and came back with Riker and Reagan.
"We thought two would be much better than one - and we could
afford it," Elston says.
Two international trips and the related expenses totaled about
$25,000. But neither Jeff nor Toni regrets the money that was
spent. "Five-year-old Roman loves his brother and sister so much,
we could not believe it. He kisses and hugs them before going to
bed every night, though nobody told him to do it. I don't think
it is possible to love one's blood siblings more," Elston says.
And yet there were moments when the Elstons wondered whether
they'd made a mistake. After the adoption was completed, they
took Riker, who was 6 years old at the time, and Reagan, then 8,
to a rented apartment in Ukraine, and the kids acted out. "They
spit at each other, yelled, ran all over the place," Elston says.
And the trouble didn't stop in Ukraine - the children had to
adjust to a new home in the United States.
"Once I got a call from school that my son [Riker] was pulling
the ears of another boy," Elston recalls. "I had to explain that
it is a birthday tradition in his native culture - like our
spanking at birthdays. And there were many other things - like,
it is OK to stay really close to somebody there, but here we give
a person some space around. And, of course, they had to learn
English."
The children have adjusted quickly. Today, the kids talk nonstop
in English about their favorite American musicians, cartoon
characters, and foods. But speak Russian to them, and they look
confused and uptight. "They say they forgot the native language,"
Elston says. "Recently we watched the tape which we made in their
orphanage, and they could not even name any of the children,
though they remembered their faces."
There may be a logical explanation for the fact that these kids
have forgotten their pasts so quickly: Those memories are just
too painful. What good do they have to remember from over there?
Father, who disappeared from their lives? Mother, who gave up her
rights because she couldn't, or wouldn't, care for them?
Four-year-old Riley Elliott's first reaction to her new home in
America was "Wow!" What else could an orphan girl from Ukraine
say on walking into a room filled with balloons? Kim Elliott blew
up more than 100 to make her new daughter feel welcome in January
2002. What Riley didn't know was that Kim and her husband, Steve,
had to sell their house and move into a rental to bring her here.
That was the price they were more than willing to pay after seven
unsuccessful years of trying to have a child.
"We just didn't expect the expenses to be that high," says Steve
Elliott. "Altogether, we spent about $25,000. First we had to
change adoption agencies and lost some money there. We suspected
them of doing some things under the table. Second, we had to
travel from one orphan's place to another and stay in Ukraine
longer. Some children were in really poor physical or mental
health. For example, a 3-year-old was only learning to walk. . .
. And I can understand this position of [Ukrainian] officials:
All good children should stay in the country."
The Elliotts were disappointed and getting ready to return when
their American adoption agent informed them about a girl in the
city of Simferopol. "When we saw Riley Alexandra, we knew there
was something different about this girl. She had such beautiful
sparkles in her eyes, was playful and friendly. She liked my wife
from the first minute, though she was suspicious of me," he says.
"I can understand that - there were not many males among
orphanage staff."
The Elliotts, like the Elstons, were inspired to go to Ukraine
after seeing the happy example of friends who had adopted their
children there. Riley adjusted well to the family, learned
English in no time, and inspires only pride in her parents. She
does not remember her life before she came here and forgot her
native language completely, though Steve still remembers some
words he had learned to communicate with her: " 'Beautiful,'
'darling,' 'frightened,' 'grandmother,' 'grandfather,' 'a dog,'
'to pee,' 'to poop' - altogether, about 10 or 12 words."
The Elliotts have since adopted another child, this time a baby
girl born in the United States. They had hoped to reunite Riley
with her older brother in Ukraine, but he was adopted three
months before Riley and now lives somewhere in Spain. They don't
know the identity of his new parents, leaving almost no chance
that the two siblings will meet again.
Riker, Reagan, and Riley are among thousands of children from
former Soviet republics who have ended up in the West. State
Department records indicate that U.S. citizens adopted 5,209
Russian children in 2003 (the number is based on the number of
immigrant visas issued to orphans coming here). That is second
only to the number of children adopted from China, which was the
source of 6,859 children.
My native Kazakhstan came in fifth place (825 adoptions in 2003);
Ukraine was sixth, with 702. Every year, U.S. citizens adopt
about 20,000 foreign orphans - and the number has been climbing
steadily. Children from Kazakhstan are popular in Hawaii because
many of them are from mixed marriages. Kristine Altwies
Nicholson, president of Hawaii International Child Inc., told the
Honolulu Advertiser, which reported on the trend, "For many
adoptive couples who are mixed, this is the perfect and only
solution to adopt a child who looks like the product of their
union."
But over there, in the nations of the former Soviet Union, there
is criticism of these foreign adoptions. The governments of most
of the 15 ex-Soviet republics have taken steps, at one time or
another, to put restrictions on international adoptions.
Byelorussia is the most recent example. Its president announced
in November 2004: "International adoptions are a shame on the
nation. We need our kids and are able to raise them without help
abroad." To adopt a Byelorussian child today, foreigners must
obtain the personal permission of the minister of education,
which is not easy - almost impossible, in fact - to get.
In Kazakhstan, debate over the issue arose in 2002. An outright
ban on international adoptions was proposed by parliamentarians,
some of whom claimed that rich foreigners were buying children,
perhaps to abuse them or harvest their organs. After the
formation of an investigative committee, the members visited
Irish families who had adopted Kazakhstani children. The
conclusion was positive: The investigation revealed once-orphaned
children who had found families.
Still, most of the population simply doesn't get it.
Why do those rich Americans travel halfway around the globe,
fight with a foreign bureaucracy, spend tremendous amounts of
money, and express their love for skinny, frightened, unruly
children?
In the ex-Soviet republics, there is a strong desire for the
"continuation of family." A couple will do everything possible to
give birth to a child, even at the risk of the mother's life.
And when that doesn't work and they decide to adopt, they'll look
for a baby and do what it takes to hide the fact the child was
adopted. Forget the notion of an open adoption; they are sure
that it would be too stressful for a child to know the truth
about his or her birth parents, let alone meet them. So to have
Americans show up and profess love for children they've just met
is difficult for many people to understand.
At the same time, the economic conditions in much of the former
Soviet Union are so harsh that many children are given up and
sent to orphanages because a parent or guardian simply lacks the
means to support them. How else to explain the tremendous number
of children in orphanages?
For example, my native Kazakhstan, with a population of 15.4
million, has 100,000 orphans. Many of them live in crowded and
primitive conditions.
The Elstons and the Elliotts say that for the most part, the
places they visited look nice, but I am sure only a few are like
that. I am reminded of a Russian proverb: "Don't leave your
garbage outside your house." Foreigners and journalists don't see
the abusive conditions that many orphans must endure. Many
children run away, preferring life on the street as homeless
beggars.
Families such as the Elstons and the Elliotts have provided
loving homes for a handful of children abandoned in their own
countries. Children such as Riley, Reagan, and Riker are truly
lucky.
Unfortunately, there just aren't enough Americans for all the
children left behind.
Adoption Services International unites loving US families with
Ukrainian children. We provide a unique combination of
professional, individualized, quality service (including a
maximum guaranteed adoption fee), personal adoption experience,
affordable local cost and 20 years Ukrainian experience.
If you or someone you love would like to expand your family,
provide a permanent home for a needy orphaned child, welcome a
sibling for an existing child or discover an alternative for
infertility treatments - contact us to learn more about Ukrainian
adoption, Adoption Services International can help.
www.adoptionservicesinternational.com
info@asi-adoption.com
908-444-0999
https://www.facebook.com/ASI.Adoption
Upcoming Events:
Ukrainian Adoption 101:
Conversation On International Adoption: Opportunity, Process,
Concerns and Questions
Monday, November 12, 2012 6:00-7:00PM
Location: Califon Book Store: 72 Main Street, Califon, New Jersey
07830
Ukrainian Adoption Information Meeting
Wednesday, November 28, 2012 7:00-8:00PM
Location: Wellness Rocks: 133 Rupell Road, Clinton, New Jersey
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